trust | hard lessons learned at 22

2 months ago, i dug a hole that i very well knew i might not get out of. but i continued digging because my selfishness blinded me from seeing that i'm hurting others in the process of pursuiting happiness. i ignored the fact that i'll be hurting people closest to me. i somehow managed to get out of the hole. good thing. i thought i was completely out of it. until it came back to me several days ago. i started slipping. but i was only at the brink. last night, i found out another person was swimming in my own hole. swimming in the shit that i filled it. and by the person i trusted the most.

it all fell into place. i lost restlessness because i knew the answers now. but i never thought the answers would hurt me in the worst possible way. my heart didn't beat. it didn't break when i found out about it. i have come to the worst part of myself, i have become indifferent. and numb.

"i'm not upset that you lied to me. i'm upset that from now on i can't believe you."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

when it starts to creep in

we always want what other people have. OR we think we have what we want -- something we think others don't have. BUT it turns out, what we have is nothing special -- it's just the same as everybody else's. THEN we begin to re-think things. and start to want more.

and it starts to creep in. jealousy. insecurity. anger. the pride gets hurt. and no matter how i shut my eyes, i can't go back to sleep.