hoping this reaches you

on my 15th birthday, i wrote you my wishes. on my party, i was led into our house blind-folded. i opened my eyes to find all my friends there. and the most special person at that time of my life in front of me, holding my birthday cake. my best friend made my wishes come true. i don't know how you found all our childhood friends, but they were all there. and the rest if history.

i know we've grown to be different people 7 years later. with the distance between us, we've been through rough times on our own. with people so different from us. when you left, i always thought the distance would drift us apart. but it only made our friendship stronger. distance cannot cause rifts in friendships, selfishness can. i wasn unhappy for so long that when i found hope in being alive again, i selfishly forgot how i can hurt people's feelings with it. i tried to forget that i will be hurting you. you always said i deserved to be selfish. that was one shitty advice i never should have done to you.

my birthday is nearing and yet i go by the days feeling like i've lost a piece of my puzzle. i lost my soulmate. the only person who understood me. the only person who wouldn't laugh at my dreams. i've always dwelled that maybe time will heal everything. it's comforting to think that it does. but sometimes, time only makes you numb. but still, i'm hoping that someday you would understand. things can never be the same again, i know that. but it wouldn't hurt to start over right?

we lose friends along the way. meet new acquaintances, only to forget them after a couple of weeks. but family can't be lost just like that. best friends cannot be lost in just a whim.

and i'm hoping this gets to you somehow. i don't know how. just know that i'm still here.

10 years ago vs NOW

went to karla's apartment yesterday to buy some stuff. only bought one dress- which was cute by the way - if only i'll have somewhere to wear it. i stayed there for 2 hrs. we were just catching up on what's been going on in our lives. and reminiscing about the old days. wishing we can have a reunion. damn it's been 10 years.

and so karla and i realized that the things happening to us now, have happened to us back in elementary. but the only difference is, the elemenraty days didn't have as much drama as now. we could easily let go of things. like if the guy we liked, liked somebody else all of a sudden, it's really okay. i guess age comes with drama. and drama becomes bigger when we've gone through so much shit.

back in the day, when a boy throws stuff at you, we'd be oblivious that it was just a sign of him liking us. when your crush turns out to like your friend, we hurt but then we move on. there are more crushes. when he gets your number, he really calls. even if it's after a month since he can't muster up the courage to actually say anything on the other line. when we fall in love, it's the happiest thing.

right now, when a boy suddenly throws stuff at you, we have 2nd thoughts. because we're not sure if he does like us. or he was just kidding around. when a guy we like turns out to like your friend, it hurts deep. and we'd feel rejected. we actually shed tears for this. when a guy gets your number, we instantly think that he just wants to be a friend. and yes, you send text messages back and forth but it suddenly stops. and then we move on. and today, when we fall in love, it's a rollercoaster ride. it's not all giggles and butterflies in the stomach. it's also dizziness. confusion. doubts.

so i'm thinking. at 22 years old, maybe we should learn to treat things like we were still 12 or 15 years old. uncomplicated. innocent. and maybe, we won't be hurting this much.

it HAS to go on

life that is..

it was only last week that i realized how life went on for me without me knowing it. people are asking if i'm okay. i guess i am. but then again, maybe i just ignored the drama. after all, there's nothing i can do about it really. good things have to come to an end. it was fun. at one point, i smiled about it throughout my day. there WAS a point when the mere thought of 'us' pulled me out of my bed.

so now, i'm back to waiting. i'm not sure if i'm ready. ready to put myself in the same situation again. so i wake up at 10pm, go to work. busy myself with evaluations, and meetings. go home at 9am. eat breakfast. watch a little bit of TV. then sleep. pretty much routine. and i wait for something to surprise me. make me fall. make me smile. whatever happens, is bound to happen at some point.