on hope

all of us are in denial. at least i recognize that i am. i am here for him not because i am pretending to be his friend because hey, i really am. but in saying that i am no longer hoping, then you can call me a liar. hope is all i have now. and it's hard because while i'm hoping for him, he's still hoping for another.

he's been silent. i can tell that he's thinking about other things. he's thinking about her. and i look ahead and feel nothing. at least, pretend that i feel nothing. if only i can make him smile. if only i know how to make him laugh again. but the only thing i can do is assure him i'm here.

although i have managed to forget that there was a point that we did try to make things work, it's hard sometimes to forget how wonderful those days were.

i am still hoping. i am hoping on a lot of things. one of those is for him to let her go and realize that i am here. i don't want to be a damn statistic but i guess i am. what the hell, he made me smile.

what ipay wants

they say you will never learn to be happy until you know what you want. so we took a week to at least list down a few things that we want -- specifically what we want in a guy. to be honest, i didn't really find the use for creating a list. we were enough of snobs to now have a list. but nevertheless, i still wrote some stuff down. just so maybe i may discover something about myself that could miraculously change me. haha, wishful thinking!

in a guy...
i want a guy with a good sense of humor..someone who can make me smile..he can be sarcastic but not to the point of annoyance..he can be corny..as long as i'm laughing..

i'd want him to be someone who can take control of almost all situations..and if not, be courageous enough to admit that he needs help..someone who's responsible..i'd want someone i can feel safe with..someone who can tell me what's wrong with me..or at least say what i'm doing wrong..

i want a guy who's up for anything..or someone who can push me to do things i never thought i'd do..like bunjee jumping or eating an orange..hehe. i'd want someone i can take anywhere with..who's up for spur of the moment (road) trips..i'd want surprises..he doesn't have to be totally romantic..just thoughtful..he doesn't have to buy me expensive stuff..i'd want someone who loves the beach as much as i do..who doesn't mind getting burned by the sun..and getting frizzy hair because of the salt water..someone who would lie under the stars with me and just talk about anything..

i'd appreciate it if the guy loves music..even if we don't like the same kind, at least there should be something we can sing about..he doesn't have to play any instruments although that would be cool too..it would be a plus if he has a sport..but i certainly won't complain if he doesn't.. the guy has to love food..i mean, what guy doesn't? it would be even better if he knew how to cook..

i'd want us to be able to talk about everything..we don't have to agree on everything..i'd want someone who'd be willing to fight with me..and fight for us..even if it would let us stay on the phone until the wee hours of morning..

i want a guy who's willing to sacrifice some things in his life not just for me, but for us..because i always tend to put the guy's happiness first..i would at least like to feel that they're putting me first too..in one way or another..

... so far that's it.. but yeah, i have to face it..i need to scrap the list and be more open minded. a list of what i want in a guy will not help me be happy. for all we know, i'm meant for someone who's the total opposite. i have to have a bigger picture of what i want for my life. and with that, i am ever clueless.

bury them in one casket

or at least one crate...haha! that's what my younger sis said about guys who can't commit. it seems they have all the reasons these days. back in high school, guys couldn't wait to get girlfriends. but no, after reaching the 20's, several reasons pop out of nowhere -- "i don't want to get hurt again..", "i can't live up to your expectations..", "i'm not ready to be monogamous", "i don't want to hurt you..", and the most commonly used, "you deserve someone better.." the most overused line. that someone better could be him if he tried. and maybe i don't need someone better. maybe i just need him. all these lines all boil down to one point, they're all wimps who are afraid to take the leap because they've already set themselves up for disappointment. it's not that they are not ready at all. they can be ready but it's just not with me. so bury them in one casket or at least, just stay at home. don't come near me. don't flirt with me. don't smile. don't make me fall for your humor. don't kiss me. stay away unless you're sure you're ready.

trying to hold on the past

i don't know why ever since he left, i've been trying to hold on to the past. i was led to believe that maybe i can go after him there. crazy. it went on for about a couple of months but good thing i managed to move on and relieve myself of the shock that we no longer belong to the same island.

checked his friendster and found out he's in a relationship. what can i do? i couldn't even keep him while he was here, how much more that he's miles away from me. but it's weird how i still get to think of him everyday. even with the littlest things. it's not those tingly memories. just random things that relate to him. and for all we know, i don't really know the guy anymore. it's been years since we broke up.

maybe i try to hold to the past to keep me sane. to remind me that i did have something special with someone. that i was once not alone. i'm sure this is unhealthy. but what else can i do with the memories but hold on to them.

go getter | escape artist | junkie monkey | love bug

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thnks fr th mmrs

it's difficult when we become attached to something and somewhat expect it to be always there. we were on a good ride. i was at peace. and i thought it would always be there. until i woke up one morning and realized i don't own it. i don't own him.

the stars on that dark night. the smell of the sea breeze at dawn. the wind on my face. the sand on our feet. the wind messing up my hair. singing along to our favorite songs. pinches on my face. the sight of the sunrise on the way home.

thanks for the memories.

Thoughts of Vanilla Ice Cream

It may be psychological. It may be a miracle worker. Vanilla ice cream puts me out of my misery. I guess I would need a dose of vanilla ice cream everyday.